Zimbabwe: there should be a TED talk about this

UPDATE: I wrote this article several weeks before the violent events of January 2019 in Zimbabwe. My thoughts and prayers are with all people suffering and affected by the terrible actions of our leaders.

I reflect often on my experiences as a Zimbabwean living outside of the country, but still very affected by the events within. All the madness, trials and tribulations we have gone through as a country should surely be able to spur a series of TED talks. Here are some of my thoughts on potential talk topics.

1. The survivalist economics.

You earn the equivalent of US$200 per month and are expected to eat, pay bills, put kids through school and invest for the future. All the while the macroeconomics and politics are so badly managed that the value of your money is decreasing daily while costs rise daily. Weep and hide your head under a pillow? Of course not. We are Zimbabweans after all.

During school holidays go to South Africa, get a job as a waiter or domestic worker. Convert your Rands on the black market. Double your money instantly. Buy day old chicks with the rest. Raise them. Sell the broilers. Barter them for soap and other essentials. Adjust, rinse, repeat as the government shifts the economic goal posts monthly. Bring your calculators to this talk. Maybe even your laptops.

2. The elitist paradise

Wake up in a comfortable bed on imported high thread count sheets. Hop into a warm shower courtesy of the borehole you have on the property and the solar geyser. Eat a delicious breakfast of bacon and eggs even though you would have preferred muesli. Unfortunately the “runner” you sent to South Africa brought home Bokomo not Woolworths so you just won’t eat it. Kids ready for school courtesy of your domestic worker and are waiting for you outside in your Land Cruiser. Drop them on the way to the office at the private school. At US$5000 per term its worth every penny.

Arrive at work where you are greeted by everyone you encounter until you get to your office. They refer to you as “Chef” not because you can cook. But because you are the boss. Attend a few business meetings including one with the Reserve Bank governor about the forex you badly need for your business. If all else fails you can meet at the golf club on Saturday morning. Which reminds you that you need to book your annual holiday. You are tired of Victoria Falls having been there 3 times over the last 5 years. The kids have never been to Dubai or Disneyland. Now may be a good time.

Turn off the radio on your way home. You are tired of all the negative stories. For people who work hard like you, Zimbabwe is open for business. Why are people so lazy? You are self made as can be witnessed by the fact that you spend every weekend at the farm monitoring your tobacco crop. You wonder if the latest batch of seed you imported has arrived in Harare yet. Better phone your contact at the receiver to make sure. He owes you anyway as it is because of you that his nephew has a job at your company. You stream your favourite track and smile to yourself. Life is good and Zimbabwe is truly open for business.

3. Diaspora kids

You were one of the lucky ones. You were able to move to a foreign country because you studied there. Over the years you have met many other Zimbabweans who are there too. Some simply left the country as refugees and asylum seekers and after many years of capitalizing on legal loopholes have been able to legitimise their stay in their new country.

The xenophobia and not being welcome are easy to deal with. The Zimbabwean community sticks together and supports each other and you build a network very quickly. Back home, however, your family is struggling to make ends meet. You don’t see them as often as you would like as your priority is working to sustain your livelihood and potentially theirs. Your children’s command of their mother tongue is limited and they are growing up in an environment that is radically different to the one you did.

Not really welcome in your adopted country and ridiculed when you go home. This is your new life.

4. I want more

You have been born into a poor family, living in a rural remote part of the country. You family have farmed this land for generations. Your father and his father woke up before dawn on most days to plant, weed the crops and harvest them. Back breaking work, but adequate enough to sustain a family. Each year’s harvest providing sufficient maize for starch, the cattle providing fresh milk and sour milk for relish, vegetables grown organically on the premises and the goats providing meat when required.

Something tells you that you want more than merely surviving. You are educated to O Level with 5 subjects passed. That’s not enough to get you admitted to study further to A Level and not enough to guarantee you a job in the big city. You see your cousins when they visit over Christmas. They arrive in a fancy car with nice clothes and all have cellphones. It is clear to you that the city provides the most opportunities. You start to lose enthusiasm for farming and your yields drop as you reduce the amount of land you cultivate annually. The stockpiles of maize eventually dry up. All the goats are eaten and the cattle dwindle in number. Your family sees this and brand you lazy. They can’t understand why you can’t just do what your father and your grandparents did. Work the land, feed your family.

Makes sense and sounds good. But something keeps telling you, you want more.

5. Humour is life

Zimbabweans have an amazing way to deal with problems by using humour. I will list 2 examples here. I apologise in advance that you might not get the joke if you aren’t Zimbabwean. Rewind to 2008 where we had a brain donor named Gideon Gono as the Reserve Bank governor. His killer move to deal with hyperinflation was to remove 3 zeros from the currency. Magically, something that cost $1000 today cost $1 tomorrow. Inflation sorted like Gono was a magician. The standing joke in town was that Gono also removed the letter O from his name in solidarity and changed his name to “Giden Gn”.

Ice cream is amazing. It has the ability to change one’s mood for the better. (Especially Ola ice cream). Unfortunately for Zimbabwean President Emmerson Mnangagwa this has not been the case as it is alleged that he was poisoned when he ate ice cream produced by his nemesis Grace Mugabe. Here is a link if you want to read more about this. After this incident Zimbabweans thought it would be a good idea to keep highlighting the dangers of ice cream. Soon phrases like “Manchester City are playing so well. Their strikers are dangerous…like ice cream” became common place. Teens started associating their parents wrath at exceeding the curfew…to ice cream.

Anyway, there are so many stories one could tell. So many insights to glean about Zimbabwe over the last 15 years and how our leadership has impacted human behaviour. Someone do a TED talk please!!!