Why didn’t you vs why don’t you

It is impossible to change the past. At least until Elon Musk creates a time machine called “Time-X”. Yes, that was a poor joke. Today I’m writing about how I have had so many conversations that I did not enjoy that began with the words “Why didn’t you”. Those 3 words in my experience possess a subliminal level of judgement to the person on the receiving end. I will use a few examples to illustrate my point.

When I started my working career as a foreign graduate in South Africa I was unable to get financing for a car and relied on public transport to get to and from work and get around in general. It was a system that worked and was familiar to me as I could go anywhere in Durban if I knew the routes and the signals. Things got tricky for me when I now had the requirement to visit stores and attend offsite meetings as part of my job. I became reliant on other people and this was very frustrating.

One day a colleague of mine asked me the question of why didn’t I buy a car when all the other graduates had cars and were mobile. I had to explain how in those days the banks didn’t lend to people on 3 year work permits and how I didn’t have anyone in my family fortunate enough to have a spare car or more importantly spare cash to buy me a car. There was nothing I could do about it and it was extremely irritating having to explain this to someone else.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and the topic came up with a different colleague. He asked me why don’t I try and see if I can arrange vehicle financing though my employer. Using my pension balances as collateral. He even went and lobbied the Human Resources team on my behalf. The loan was granted and a few weeks later I was the proud owner of a second hand Toyota Tazz which I loved to bits.

Both people were enquiring and trying to assist with the same query. However, one was focused on what I had not done in the past, while the other was focused on what I could do in the future. I’m sure neither party meant any malice although it is obvious which one was better received.

In our own lives are we “why didn’t you” people or “why don’t you” people. I tend to find that answering the past tense related question doesn’t really change anything. All it does it make someone feel bad potentially. However, a future focused tense implies solutions. Think about it, most of the times you hear “why didn’t you” it is a non value adding discussion.

I know someone who bought a fancy Range Rover. Millions of Rands worth of car and one day he was riding in the car with his unemployed cousin. The cousin proceeded to ask him “Why didn’t you buy the top of the range one, because it has better features?”. This is a true story! The unemployed guy was judging someone’s else ability to choose a Range Rover. I know someone else who struggled to get a mortgage to buy their 1st home. Someone asked them “Why didn’t you just borrow from your parents and put down a bigger deposit”. Because all our parents have piles of cash lying around to dish out to their kids when required right?

So my challenge to all the 300 Paycheckers today is this. Let’s try to be more why don’t you kind of people. Seriously dwelling on why someone did or didn’t something in the past adds little to no value. Say the words why didn’t you much less. The why don’t you question could also be ridiculous, but at least it is forward looking.