I was recently in a conversation with a mentor when I was asked my opinion on a certain work related subject. I told him exactly what I thought, which was essentially a summary of what I thought of the individuals in the situation. What I thought of them and what they thought of me. He paused thoughtfully for a few seconds, then asked two of the most incisive questions I had ever been asked. “Do you know with certainty that these are their feelings towards you? Have they explicitly told you this is what they think?” The truth obviously was that I had no idea what these individuals thought of me. I had assumed based on observation and bias that they felt a certain way about me. My mentor’s words played over and over in my head that week… “Be careful of the stories we sometimes tell ourselves. Many of them are just not true. We make up stories to justify inaction or a particular course of action and start to believe they are true when they actually are not.”
I had pre-selected a certain outcome based on a whole lot of feelings and criteria that were potentially untrue. Frequent readers of my blog will know that I am an Enneagram Type 6 or “Loyal Skeptic” so it is normal for me to have what I heard one commentator refer to as “Pre Traumatic Stress Disorder”. I generally try and work out what could go wrong in a situation and am very risk averse. However, there comes a time where we can’t blame personality or other factors for what is essentially one of the most limiting mindsets that we can have.
When we pre-select an outcome, we unconsciously set up our minds to accept that we may not achieve a goal. We build that comfort ahead of the failure by putting criteria into the situation that limit our progress. Some examples I have seen are comments people make with regards to certain life choices. Have you ever heard people say that golf or cycling is only for rich people? Or that it is impossible to own a boat in South Africa unless you are of a certain social standing? Or that certain roles in your company are reserved for certain types of people? That it is “impossible” for you to emigrate and work in another country or that certain educational institutions are “near impossible” to get your children into? Or my personal favourite that your boss at work is not interested in your idea anyway because he or she is a certain way.
These are pre-selected limiting beliefs! When we refuse to start playing golf because we believe it is not for us. Or don’t pitch our business idea to investors because we believe they only want to speak to entrepreneurs with businesses that are already operating. When we refuse to enter a running race because we believe that everyone in that race is ultra fit and we don’t want to embarrass ourselves. Or for the singles out there, we don’t talk to that attractive potential mate because we believe he or she is only interested in a certain type of person.
In some cases these pre-selected beliefs may end up being true. However, even if this is the case there is only one way to find out. By attempting at the task or project anyway. The trick, however, is avoiding the temptation of attempting the task with a view of proving the negative outcome is right. Rather attempt something by putting this pre-selected belief on trial. This belief must prove to you that it is right before occupying space in your head. It must earn the right for you to say with certainty that you know your opinion is right because you have actually tested it and are 100% sure that the story you have made up in your head is actually true.
Think of the stories you are telling yourself in your head right now about the decisions you need to make this week. Are you sure that all of these opinions are actually true? Or is it time to do some testing?
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