In many environments we put forward a version of ourselves that is sanitised, managed, constrained or polished. After all it is not generally socially acceptable to cause drama as most people prefer to exist in harmony. Sometimes, however, this limiting of debate and managed consensus does not let us arrive at the best solutions. It’s worth having the discussion or at least worth having multiple views aired. I think of the typical TV game shows such as Survivor and The Apprentice. There is no way that anybody can win either of those competitions by hiding in the shadows.
The problem, however, is when we disagree there is often conflict. Human nature dictates that we want to be right and acknowledged for being right. Which becomes a problem when multiple parties all believe they have the best idea. We also tend to look for verbal and non verbal cues that support our point of view in the heat of the moment. Usually, phrases like “I don’t like how he/she looked at me” or “They aren’t even listening to me” come to mind. Then eventually we can’t hold it in at all and the real conflict begins.
I’ve heard many couples say that they only really got to understand their spouse when they had to actually live together. Even after many years of dating it was only when they got into each other’s space that they really started to understand each other. I have many business acquaintances that I had a rocky relationship with until we traveled on a trip together. The many unfiltered conversations created relationship connections we never would have.
In that robust debate is where we get to really grow and improve our ability to manage relationships. The simple truth is this…it is not the quality of the arguments presented that matter. It is rather how one handles themselves and learns about themselves through the process. How did I behave and why did I behave in that way? Did I lose my temper and why did I lose my temper? Did I feel safe enough to express my opinion? And if not why not? Have any relationships been improved or damaged in the process? Am I happy with the way I handled myself and do I feel that I truly won? Was it worth it in the first place? And most importantly, what will I change or do differently next time?
All valuable questions that broaden our understanding of who we are and also how other people operate. Valuable insights that can we can put in our toolbox for future interactions. The key, however, is that we have to be in the ring. We have to have the discussion. We have to get in each other’s faces. We have to spend time with difficult characters. We have to enter into robust debates. We will learn a lot from those interactions. It may not be more than we have learnt observing from the sidelines, but it will certainly add to the knowledge we already have.
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